Over the last few years, sleep has become my enemy. Oh she sneaks up on me at eight, just after dinner. She cajoles. She imposes yawns. If I sit down to watch TV, she calls me into her arms. Teasing me. But it is not until I go to bed that she finally pulls me to her breast and washes me with her soothing breath.
Sounds like a relationship built in heaven, but no. At two or three, depending on her fickle nature, she pushes me out of her life, a jilted lover. No more for you, she says. You have basked in my glory long enough. So in the dark, I count… I meditate… I wish that I could be in her arms again. I want to feel her renewing my spirit, washing my brain clear of waste. Helping me solve problems and ultimately to allow my creativity to flourish.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just start my day at that time. Enjoy the quiet darkness to get things done. Bask in the solitude. I have tried that, but unfortunately it doesn’t work. I drag my way through the next day unable to concentrate or think. She nips at my ankles. She weighs me down. She makes me hungry and irritated.
So now I have my rituals, my system to find predawn sleep. Not the luxurious siren from earlier, just a basic, every day, fundamental sleep. I desperately need to find renewal. First, I need to walk around the house for fifty steps. Then heat up a half cup of milk. No more, no less. While the milk is heating, get some honey ready to sweeten my draft. On my way back to bed, find a crossword. Not the Friday crossword that is too hard. Monday’s would be the best. So then, sit in bed. Do the crossword. Sip the sweet milk. Wait for sleep to come. Wait for the gentle pull. Slip into oblivion. Usually this method works, but sometimes, sleep prefers to play evil games. Put your head on the pillow. It is time. Ha…no it is not. Start your routine again. I dare you. Those nights are the worst. Drowsing. Waking. 3:40. Drowsing. Waking 3:51. Then I start worrying. It is easy to worry when your brain is full. Unclean. Unrefreshed. The neurotransmitters flood my brain with lies. Wake up. You don’t need her.
My solution to this is to try to learn more. My niece is studying sleep. I make sure to read all her papers and discuss her findings. After all, over 30% of my life is spent battling my enemy. Something under my hypothalamus is distorted, confused. Sending me error messages. Am I developing mental illness, Alzheimer’s, Lewy body dementia? Is it in my genes like it was for both my grandfather and father? When will science come up with a solution? Will it be too late?
But last night, sleep must have been in a wonderful mood. Sleep embraced me all night long. I woke just seconds before the alarm. What happiness and renewal flooded my life! I don’t know what I did to deserve her affection, but I hope she hope she comes again and says all night.